Silence your inner critic

Self talk shows up as a kind of running internal commentary. The way we talk to ourselves is massively important in influencing our self esteem, self belief and compassion. When you mess up in a meeting, or you do something goofy in front of your friends or forget a birthday, what sort of things do you say to yourself? If it’s pretty cruel or rude this is your inner critic talking. This dialogue is what psychologists call “negative self-talk” in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy it’s called Automatic Negative Thoughts.

Up to 70% of some people’s mental chatter comes from their inner critic. This nasty little voice inside our heads making us feel rubbish about ourselves is trying to save us from shame or embarrassment but often just makes us feel terrible.

Don’t worry there are things you can do to turn down the volume of your inner critic.

1. Draw and name your inner critic

I ask clients to draw out their inner critic. Many draw their critic as an authority figure like a judge, other people as a strange animal — a parrot that squawks out the same old belittling phrases and comments is popular. 

Then I ask clients to name their critic, and the names I’ve heard include: ‘The Old Hag’; ‘Karen’

Ridiculing your inner critic by giving them silly names or caricaturing them in a cartoon can help you lessen their sense of power.

2. Note down what your inner critic says to you 

Think of a specific situation when your inner critic always appears. As an example, let’s say Samantha hates presenting to a room full of people. Her inner critic would say: 

“I’m going to look like a fool, again, in front of all these people. I’ll get flustered, panic, lose my train of thought then stand there like an idiot while people look at me with pity.”  

 If you’re unsure about what your inner critic says, think about the things you say to yourself that you wouldn’t say to a good friend or a child. Or keep a journal of each and every time you berate yourself.

3. Replacing your inner critic’s defensiveness with a growth-orientated voice

Your inner critic will be trying to protect you from perceived harm and stop you from doing something.  Samantha’s inner critic would say: 

“You’re gonna lose the respect of your colleagues, and they’ll think you don’t know what you’re talking about.”  

 But once she’d analysed what her inner critic was protecting her from then she could turn the perceived negative outcomes into positive ones. 

“You’re gonna lose respect” becomes… “By presenting, I’m sharing some important information with my colleagues, and this will earn their respect.

And

“if I want to progress in my career, I need to be good at presenting.” 

 In effect, you’re looking to overcome negativity by finding the positives. You’re replacing your inner critic with a growth-orientated inner voice. And by doing this you’re seeing challenges as an opportunity for self improvement — rather than allowing your inner critic to restrain you. 

4. Be judge & jury - Look for the evidence

The vast majority of negative self-talk is an exaggeration, so challenge your inner critic to come up with real evidence. Turn the tables and put your inner critic on trial — be the prosecutor!

In response to Samantha’s inner critic saying “You’re gonna lose respect”, she might say to her inner critic: 

“I’m not sure you’re right about that as I’ve spoken in front of audiences before, and they’ve always responded with interest and respect.” 

 If you’re going to put your inner critic on trial, think like a barrister. What are facts and what are your inner critic’s subjective judgments about you that won’t stand up in court. 

5. Be kind to others in order to be kind to self

A symptom of low self esteem and a harsh inner critic is that we become inward looking and isolated — we ruminate about our failings and constantly analyse ourselves.

 A great deal of research shows that compassion to others is a key element to building self esteem. Showing compassion to others starts with self compassion, and this requires you to celebrate being ordinary.  Develop this perspective of yourself as a flawed but connected, ordinary human, and your inner critic will start to lose her voice. 

6. Use a mindfulness app 

My final tip to get your inner critic under control is practicing mindfulness. Like anything, you need to practice to get good.  Start small – by just doing a minutes mindfulness – noticing sensations in your body.  This can help you develop non-judgmental awareness and the ability to stay aware of the present moment – without involving the inner critic.

Just because your inner critic feels the need to comment on what you are doing does not mean you have to listen. Good luck in turning the volume down on your inner critic.